Have All This World

I can't help but feel like a semi-fraud. I feel like I should be passionate about what my future holds and I have repeatedly caught myself bored in my own thoughts. I catch myself daydreaming about a comfortable future with a comfortable house and an even amount of well behaved kids and a good husband, but we are dry. We crumble and snap like Rits crackers. That is not what I want.

I was reading earlier about wanting God and yearning for Him like I yearn for other things, and the fact is, I don't. There is an old hymn that Jeremy Camp more recently recorded and the chorus goes, ".. Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, just give me Jesus." I know that wanting a good future isn't wrong, I also know that once I start to realize God's desires for me I'm going to realize that His future plans are astronomically better than mine. This is just the point in which I am confused. This is the point where I realize that the pull of the world and the pull of my savior are not the same. This is my deciding line.

I keep coming to the same circle in my argument. I guess that's one trait I will never loose. I think in my heart I know my decision I just have to convince myself that it is what I have actually wanted all along. That all the other paths offered where just excuses for me to stop planning for a minute and really see where I am. I am entering my third year in college and will be rooming with one of my best friends, I wore a purple glittery princess crown (by choice) the entire length of my 21st birthday, and my room still looks like a 15 year old occupies it. I've been to Ireland which was probably the most exciting thing that has happened to me and I sincerely hope to return one day. Going there has made me know that I want to travel, and not just regular places. I want to go somewhere where no one knows English and I have to speak loudly and slowly and make over-the-top gestures so that they know what I am saying. I want to not feel like a fraud in my own skin. I still want a good life and for it to, at least, not be uncomfortable, but I want it to be real. I want to live a story that when told to others brings tears and laughter in the place where yawns might occur now. I have learned, by example, that I don't want to leave this world having simply visited.