Have All This World

I can't help but feel like a semi-fraud. I feel like I should be passionate about what my future holds and I have repeatedly caught myself bored in my own thoughts. I catch myself daydreaming about a comfortable future with a comfortable house and an even amount of well behaved kids and a good husband, but we are dry. We crumble and snap like Rits crackers. That is not what I want.

I was reading earlier about wanting God and yearning for Him like I yearn for other things, and the fact is, I don't. There is an old hymn that Jeremy Camp more recently recorded and the chorus goes, ".. Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, just give me Jesus." I know that wanting a good future isn't wrong, I also know that once I start to realize God's desires for me I'm going to realize that His future plans are astronomically better than mine. This is just the point in which I am confused. This is the point where I realize that the pull of the world and the pull of my savior are not the same. This is my deciding line.

I keep coming to the same circle in my argument. I guess that's one trait I will never loose. I think in my heart I know my decision I just have to convince myself that it is what I have actually wanted all along. That all the other paths offered where just excuses for me to stop planning for a minute and really see where I am. I am entering my third year in college and will be rooming with one of my best friends, I wore a purple glittery princess crown (by choice) the entire length of my 21st birthday, and my room still looks like a 15 year old occupies it. I've been to Ireland which was probably the most exciting thing that has happened to me and I sincerely hope to return one day. Going there has made me know that I want to travel, and not just regular places. I want to go somewhere where no one knows English and I have to speak loudly and slowly and make over-the-top gestures so that they know what I am saying. I want to not feel like a fraud in my own skin. I still want a good life and for it to, at least, not be uncomfortable, but I want it to be real. I want to live a story that when told to others brings tears and laughter in the place where yawns might occur now. I have learned, by example, that I don't want to leave this world having simply visited.

Made of Different Stuff

Brooke Fraser wrote a song called "Shadowfeet" which I have only slightly fallen in love with. The lyrics to the first part are"Walking stumbling on these shadowfeet, to a home a land that I've never seen. And I am changing, less and less asleep. Made of different stuff than when I began.."

I want to start off by saying that I am blessed beyond what I could ever possibly imagine. My God is good and is in control. And while, at this stage in "growing up" I am utterly thrown off from the path I thought God and I had agreed upon, I have never been more sure of my savior. What He wants He gets, donezo.

Pretty much all my life I have wanted to do two things, sing and help people. Since singing is a slightly risky market my parents were completely sold when I presented the idea of going to school to become an RN. Their approval meant a lot to me and they, like most parents, nudged me in the way they thought best. To say the least the years following that decision have been some of the most confusing and tearful of my life... but also the most joyful. My life has been the most peaceful at its craziest and the sunniest when its raining. Try and figure that one out.. I dare you.

As of right now I am at a crossroads. I have several options; all good, all scary , and all different. I am here trusting God that the next steps I take are with Him and for Him. At the end of the day all I really car about is if I have made God known in my life, because apart from Him I am nothing. I am learning to take comfort in the fact that what I do honestly won't effect God's master plan. Ultimately it doesn't mater what path I take, God is that big. All that matters is that I end up with my eyes on something other than myself.