Come, let us adore Him.

This semester has been brutal. I have felt for the past couple of months like I have gone snorkeling during a tidal wave. I breathe when I can and hope that it will be enough to sustain me until I can steal another breath. I face the opposite side of the semester that seemed like it would never end feel like it lasted but a week or two. I move right along to Christmas and going home for the holiday and exchanging presents and drinking cocoa and find myself moved to tears this morning when reminded that this day is more than cookies and stockings filled with candy.

David Crowder's song "Oh Praise Him" played while I was getting ready this morning:

"Turn your ear to heaven and hear the noise inside. The sound of angel's awe, the sound of angel's songs, and all this for a King. We could join and sing, 'All for Christ the King!' Oh, how constant how divine, this song of ours will rise. Oh how constant how divine, this love of ours will rise. Oh Praise Him!" I listen to this song and get a picture in my head. God could have sent an army of angels full of wrath and hatred for the treatment of the Messiah, but there instead was awe and wonder for the Pride and Joy of Heaven. The Glory of Heaven slept in human arms, this is Christmas. Here I am making cookies for a Christmas party, studying for my last final and putting seven or eight layers on and I am stopped in my tracks, I am missing the fact that my time is not being spent adoring my King. This Christmas, I want that news to wash over me, and let it become unforgettable.

It's Always a Song

I have put a lot of thought lately about where I invest my heart. What do I put my all into? Derek Webb wrote a song called Wedding Dress and it fits me like a glove. The chorus goes "I am a whore I do confess, but I put You on just like a wedding dress and I run down the isle. I'm a prodigal with no way home, but I put You on just like a ring of gold, and I run down the isle to You." More often than not I feel like I put on a smile and go to church as a front or a costume so that the world just won't ask questions. Don't get me wrong, the desire to run with abandon down the isle to my Savior is there, but I am constantly checking my motives, and a lot of times I don't like what I find.
I went to a choir concert on Sunday afternoon, and it was a perfect study break. They sang a song about having one person that knows your entire heart. I realized then that there is not a single person that knows all of me. There are people who know just about the entire story, but no one has the full unedited version. When will I learn to be real? When will I admit to myself that the reason I am so guarded is my own fault? I'm realizing this rut that I'm in is something I walked myself into. The only time I feel like I'm doing something right and good for my heart is when I'm singing.. it's the only thing thing that's ever given me goose bumps on my arms. It makes me wonder why I even bother doing other things.

It's A Process..

I think this whole process has masked me into allowing myself to become increasingly numb. My world has been rocked and I smile and say I'm fine. People listen to my "back-up-plans" and my "plan-b's" with kind listening ears, others tell me to just pick a future like its a breakfast cereal.. its not, by the way.

It terrifies me that I would pick something that I might end up hating. I have seen that and lived it, I don't want that life. I want to love whatever I am doing, I want to inspire, I basically want to be the opposite of what I am now. The truth is I won't show anyone the love of my Savior if I am miserable with where He put me.

Many people remember the verse Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." but forget easily that just a few short verses prior it says "that I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." That is my struggle. I forget while pleading for God to provide water.. He is teaching me to thirst for Him.

Have All This World

I can't help but feel like a semi-fraud. I feel like I should be passionate about what my future holds and I have repeatedly caught myself bored in my own thoughts. I catch myself daydreaming about a comfortable future with a comfortable house and an even amount of well behaved kids and a good husband, but we are dry. We crumble and snap like Rits crackers. That is not what I want.

I was reading earlier about wanting God and yearning for Him like I yearn for other things, and the fact is, I don't. There is an old hymn that Jeremy Camp more recently recorded and the chorus goes, ".. Give me Jesus. You can have all this world, just give me Jesus." I know that wanting a good future isn't wrong, I also know that once I start to realize God's desires for me I'm going to realize that His future plans are astronomically better than mine. This is just the point in which I am confused. This is the point where I realize that the pull of the world and the pull of my savior are not the same. This is my deciding line.

I keep coming to the same circle in my argument. I guess that's one trait I will never loose. I think in my heart I know my decision I just have to convince myself that it is what I have actually wanted all along. That all the other paths offered where just excuses for me to stop planning for a minute and really see where I am. I am entering my third year in college and will be rooming with one of my best friends, I wore a purple glittery princess crown (by choice) the entire length of my 21st birthday, and my room still looks like a 15 year old occupies it. I've been to Ireland which was probably the most exciting thing that has happened to me and I sincerely hope to return one day. Going there has made me know that I want to travel, and not just regular places. I want to go somewhere where no one knows English and I have to speak loudly and slowly and make over-the-top gestures so that they know what I am saying. I want to not feel like a fraud in my own skin. I still want a good life and for it to, at least, not be uncomfortable, but I want it to be real. I want to live a story that when told to others brings tears and laughter in the place where yawns might occur now. I have learned, by example, that I don't want to leave this world having simply visited.

Made of Different Stuff

Brooke Fraser wrote a song called "Shadowfeet" which I have only slightly fallen in love with. The lyrics to the first part are"Walking stumbling on these shadowfeet, to a home a land that I've never seen. And I am changing, less and less asleep. Made of different stuff than when I began.."

I want to start off by saying that I am blessed beyond what I could ever possibly imagine. My God is good and is in control. And while, at this stage in "growing up" I am utterly thrown off from the path I thought God and I had agreed upon, I have never been more sure of my savior. What He wants He gets, donezo.

Pretty much all my life I have wanted to do two things, sing and help people. Since singing is a slightly risky market my parents were completely sold when I presented the idea of going to school to become an RN. Their approval meant a lot to me and they, like most parents, nudged me in the way they thought best. To say the least the years following that decision have been some of the most confusing and tearful of my life... but also the most joyful. My life has been the most peaceful at its craziest and the sunniest when its raining. Try and figure that one out.. I dare you.

As of right now I am at a crossroads. I have several options; all good, all scary , and all different. I am here trusting God that the next steps I take are with Him and for Him. At the end of the day all I really car about is if I have made God known in my life, because apart from Him I am nothing. I am learning to take comfort in the fact that what I do honestly won't effect God's master plan. Ultimately it doesn't mater what path I take, God is that big. All that matters is that I end up with my eyes on something other than myself.